


Stars

by pirateghost



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Logstedshire, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Toby Smith | Tubbo Needs a Hug, TommyInnit Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), i have no clue how to spell, i tried TT, platonic handholding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29195385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pirateghost/pseuds/pirateghost
Summary: Tubbo asks why there was a pillar in Logstedshire and what happened.
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Comments: 1
Kudos: 80





	Stars

**Author's Note:**

> warning!!!!  
> this does have heavy mentions of suicidal thoughts so if that does bother you i advise not to read at all! also sorry if its really short, maybe ill add onto to it later? let me know!!

While Tommy listened to the soft melody of his music, he sat, watching the stars in awe and complete wonder. Exile gave him a new appreciation for the twinkling stars, the time spent alone showed him how amazing it was to breathe air that didn't hold the faraway scent of gunpowder. 

Now he was alone, breathing in gunpowder, but looking at the stars nonetheless. They were a constant. Stars always scattered the sky no matter the lost friendships or fresh betrayals. Tommy knew the stars couldn't be peer pressured, couldn't exile, couldn't hit him.

“Big Man, what’cha doing out this late?” Tubbo sat next to him, never sparing a glance, “It's a bit cold, isn't it.” He held a light blanket around his body, too thin to be any warm, but Tommy didn't think he even owned something that wasn't broken or useless. It was all stolen or burned from all the times he was mistreated. 

Tommy yawned, “Couldn't sleep, kept thinking about this egg bullshit and got all pissed.” 

“Agreed,” Tubbo let out a shivering sigh, “it’s getting a little ridiculous at this point.”

“Yeah..”

A strained silence washed over them, the disc still singing its tune but it somehow added to the new found awkwardness. In the past, Tubbo knew what Tommy wanted. Tommy knew when to shut up and lend his shoulder when Tubbo needed that most. 

They knew each other like the back of his hand, now, it was different.

Tubbo lost all basic understanding of Tommy’s life. The other felt like a stranger, like a storybook character he was overly fond of. A hero who’s backstory started to unravel as the pages went on, then the book ended. How could the reader help him, how could he give the hero help, how when Tommy was millions of light years away fighting dragons all by himself. 

How could he help the hero who stood on top of a tower alone with the only thought of death yet still willed himself into water. Tubbo didn't know how he could help Tommy who willed on without anyone but himself. An independent hero waiting for the next legend to take his place. Tired and alone, but still fighting even when all the dragons were slain.

Tommy didn't know what Tubbo needed. A child who grew up and was forced to make decisions that depended on war or the loss of a friend. He felt stupid standing on that obsidian wall. Truly believing the little voice that told him he knew Tubbo, he wouldn't be exiled because it was Tubbo. Did he really know Tubbo? 

During the many nights of lying awake in his tent he wondered if he even knew his friend. Maybe he knew him before Schlatt, maybe not even then. Perhaps he never knew his best friend in the first place. Tommy grew unsure and uneasy. 

Was he really doing enough? 

“I thought you died.” The disc stopped but none of them made the move to change the fact. Tubbo thought it was about time Tommy did something without those fucking discs. “I went into Logstendshire and- God- It was a shithole, Tommy, what happened? Why was there a pillar built sky high.” 

Tommy stayed quiet. Nobody cared when he built the pillar and he didn't expect anyone to care now. “Ever heard of décor? It's trending to the left of L’manberg.”

“Answer the question, why the hell was there a pillar.”

“Décor, I told-”

“Answer the fucking question, Tommy!” Tubbo grabbed at the teens hand and squeezed. He shook with months of built up anger, guilt, sadness, and grief. “I've always been there for you and i'm tired of guessing what you're thinking because i don't know anymore! Tommy, you're like on a whole other fucking universe, so please... just tell me..”

“Do you have something to say?”

Wilbur had always told him no matter what, the twinkle he admired so dearly was made from the most beautiful explosions. 

A slight tremble started to overtake Tommy but that didn't stop Tubbo from painfully squeezing onto his hand. That didn't stop the brunettes ragged, angry breathes. 

He was scared. Faraway explosions distracted him from the painful reality he now had to face. Tommy wanted to kill himsef, he wanted to die so badly because fuck was breathing so hard. Tubbo never needed to know how much Tommy thought about giving up in exile following him to the present days. Nobody should know how exhausted he is from waking up. Tommy didn't want to say it out loud because then he’d have to face that reality himself. 

“So?”

The blonde willed himself to breath in and out, in and out. To stop letting tears flow and nails digging into skin. “I want to kill myself.” He wants to. Now. With Tubbo in hand, he still wants to die and God did that hurt. “I want to die, Tubbo! So bad! Fuck, Tubbo-” he choked on his own words. 

This world was too harsh, too mean, too everything. It waited for nothing or nobody. As Tommy felt his heart shattering he watched as the clouds moved without care and the stars exploding, continuing the life cycle of itself without so much as a tear. He cried. 

Snot and tears covered his face, he was ugly and unworthy of this cry. “I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Sorry! Its so fucking hard- I don't wanna be here!” Tubbos hand crushed his own, but it felt deserved in a way. “I'm so ugly! I'm so fucking useless! I'm worthless! I wish i was- Tubbo please! It's so hard!”

Sobs racked his body as Tubbo stood deathly still. His shoulders were stiff and he didn't take his eyes off the darkness in front of them. “Help! Please, God, help! I don't wanna feel like this anymore! I don't want to die!! I'm sorry! I'm sorry” Apologies fell from his lips like a prayer. Screams and shouts for help sounded like he was dying. Tommy was desperate for anyone to listen, he was desperate for help, he was desperate for a support beam to keep the weight of the world off him. He was talking, screaming, crying about his feelings but nothing felt lighter. Dread still hung heavily on his shoulders. 

“I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry-”

“I want to die too, Tommy!!” Tubbo screamed bloody murder. His voice gave out half way through the cry. “I want to kill myself everyday yet here I fucking am! Should we jump off this cliff right now?!! Should I pull us down this drop and go out together??!! Well, Tommy, SHOULD I??” 

They both openly cried. Their hands and nails, hurting each other and themselves. Tommy didn't know, God did he want to say yes though. He wanted to beg for that release. Yes. Tommy wanted to plummet to his own end, he wanted it to all end. But, he could say a word. Holding his breath, holding anything in to make himself shut up. 

In the end, the stars died like everyone else.

Tubbo let out heart wrenching sobs. He didn't want to lose Tummy, not again, not ever. He was angry. What did he do wrong? What can he do right? The teens heart burned with the sudden realization that no matter what, it was always just Tommy and Tubbo. As they sat crying, confessing, and shouting, it was just them together. Sad and alone. Breathing with the only thought of death. 

He tightened his hold on Tommy's hand, “Let’s breathe together.”

A deep inhale. Tubbo just needed proof Tommy was there right with him. Tommy just needed to know Tubbo wouldn't take his breath away.

Exhale. They were together. Breathing and living and there. Existing with each other.

Inhale. They felt tired, exhausted, when was the last time they cried? When was the last time they held hands in the bitter cold?

Exhale. Things will be okay.

Inhale. Things are going to be okay.

Exhale. God did it hurt now, but at least they have each other.

“Are we okay?” Tubbo asked, finally looking at Tommy.

Their eyes locked, “We will be,” he gave a gentle smile.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you <3


End file.
